A Box Full of Memories....

I think a part of me is still in shock....still expecting to wake up nauseous, to crave BBQ chips 24 hours a day, to start feeling flip flops and summer salts in my lower abdomen...but none of it is coming...
I never thought I would long to feel nauseous 24 hours a day, long to nibble on saltines and ginger ale all day as much as I do right now.
BBQ chips should have been the BIGGEST sign a month or two ago, as I have never in my life liked BBQ anything, but the past few weeks I have lived on it.
I wish I had that craving back now.

The day I flew off the handle at Brian and Liam, and then turned into weeping within seconds it hit me. I waited until the next morning when they boys were in the kitchen fixing breakfast...laid in bed for almost two hours holding it... then poof, two little pink lines. When I was pregnant with Liam, I wasted no time before I started talking to him though he didn't yet have ears to even hear me....this was no different. Our joy spilled over for our new growing family, and we spared no time telling almost EVERYONE!
One week ago today, the morning it all went wrong, we were on the way to my hometown to tell the last bit of my family. We had them all gathered in the same small town with Liam decked out in his "ONLY CHILD, Expiring September 2013" shirt when we found ourselves racing to the ER. All we wanted was to hear "her" (wishful thinking because this pregnancy was COMPLETE opposite of Liam's) little heartbeat for the very first time as we had yet to make it in to the OB office for our first ultrasound.
The minute the nurse turned the ultrasound monitors away from us, shielding their discoveries, I knew we were not going to hear it at all.
A few hours later we walked out of the emergency room into the cold air, and there we stood not sure what to do so we wept. We have wept for days since then....
It has been a week but we are still in shock... still wishing it was all a dream.
I know it's a subject well debated, but in our house we believe that this sweet baby of ours, even if we never heard a heartbeat, is still ours...he or she just went on to be with Jesus all too soon....but even in this, God has a plan. Through our sadness He is still great, and He still has a plan far better than the one we could ever imagine.
 Small as a blueberry our sweet baby #2 left an imprint on us and our hearts the size of a mountain, and a few weeks of joyfulness will be what we hold onto until we are all together again.
I think this may be something hard to imagine to a lot of people, so many different views on it for sure.... Our ER doctor was confident "this too shall pass as you have more children" but I know for me at least there will always be a small hole in the back corner of my heart that I gave our small baby.... after all he or she is the only other human being that has shared my heart and soul from the inside other than Liam. Our sweet nurse who led us out of the ER said it best to me when she told me, "no matter what anyone says, it was a child and it was your child, so you should grieve because you have lost your child weather you met them or not. Don't forget to allow yourself time to grieve, and don't feel guilty if you don't."

So today, one week after, we box up a few weeks worth of joyful memories into a small wooden box, tucked away in our Hope Chest, and tucked deep in our hearts. He has blessed us with peace and comfort this past week like we have never felt, and we trust fully in his plan and his timing for our little family of four.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."
Psalms 34: 18
"BEFORE I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..." Jeremiah 1:5