Dear September

Dear September-

I have mixed emotions about meeting you this year. I won’t lie, last year you were one of my favorite months of the year. September is National Awareness Month for Visual Impairments and Blindness, including Albinism, as well as White Cane Awareness month. So this year I looked forward to you just like last year to do my White Cane posts, wear my Raise Awareness shirt, my braille shirts more often, even doing little giveaways of sunscreens and braille books.

Then things changed. You changed for me, for our house, for our family.

Nowadays when I think of you, September, I dread you. I dread the emotions you bring with you this year, and hope that next year will be better. Right now all I think of when I think of you is a due date. A month that should have marked the coming of our second child, our middle child, and for that reason it is special. I’m a middle child, and one day I will have a middle child, just not this September. So for this year, as we wade through September, no belly about to burst, no nursery prepped, no every-five-minutes-or-less bathroom runs, and no baby in our arms, I will hold a grudge 30 days long, and hope that next year I enjoy you more. I’m not sure you will ever be one of my favorite months again but for now I am content enough not to rip your page from my calendar altogether. But that’s as much as I can say for now. Be kind to us September, in our house you are special, you are still loved, but you are also on the bottom of the totem pole.

Sincerely a sometimes but not this year fan,

Truth

I found this recently. I've been avoiding this blog recently, one that I frequent often for her mommy wit and advice, and her overseas travel stories.  She and I discovered our pregnancies at the same time and I knew she would be blogging a lot about it, so I avoided it like the plague.  I dared to venture to her page this week and I was shocked when I read her most recent post. It was like ripping off the bandaide on an old wound, bringing anger and tears at the same time, but it was a MUST read for me. My heart needed it, and it was beautiful. I won’t spoil it or try to under explain it here, but it is well worth the time to read.
http://adrielbooker.com/dear-pregnant-woman-from-a-baby-loss-mom/

The Insomniac Toddler

I look at this blog title and just laugh today. Nap-time. Who gets nap-times anymore? (I've tried enacting nap-times at work with no luck thus far.)

These past few weeks, Liam has forgotten that he is a toddler and not a newborn anymore. He's decided he prefers a newborn's sleeping pattern, and I've decided to never have another newborn again.....KIDDING!! 

I have decided to wear ear plugs at night though, and maybe sleep with my head under a pillow. 

Or just sleep in the yard. 

Preferably in a tent.

Just saying.

Anyway, this insomniac Liam has got to go. Our night night prayers with him have started turning into "and wake him with the morning light.....but not until the morning light. Preferably closer to 7 than 5."  The following have all, ALL, been tried (and failed) in an attempt to regain our sanity sleep.

• Pick him up and rock him. --Even though everyone and everything told us "don't pick them up!!!" We did, we regret, let's move on.
• Leave him lying and pat/rub his tummy/back. --That's if we can keep him lying down at all.
• Sit in his rocker across the room and sing/shush him.. --Insert nap in the chair here.
• Put him on the couch with us because we refuse to have a "only sleeps in our bed" relapse.  --Insert hours of squirmy giggles and demands for tv time here.
• Let him cry it out. --This used to work like a charm on Liam when he truly was an infant.  "Used to" being the key word here. 
• And my least favorite....stern voice and a spank on the behind. (Always carried out by his dad.)

After last nights 2 hour 47 minute nights sleep nap, I feel as if I've lost what sanity I may have had left. (Also "may" being the key word.)

Tonight, there will be Benadryl, Benadryl for everyone!  All those in favor say "I", all those opposed say you'll be at my house from 11pm to 3am tonight.

Any takers??  I thought not.

A Box Full of Memories....

I think a part of me is still in shock....still expecting to wake up nauseous, to crave BBQ chips 24 hours a day, to start feeling flip flops and summer salts in my lower abdomen...but none of it is coming...
I never thought I would long to feel nauseous 24 hours a day, long to nibble on saltines and ginger ale all day as much as I do right now.
BBQ chips should have been the BIGGEST sign a month or two ago, as I have never in my life liked BBQ anything, but the past few weeks I have lived on it.
I wish I had that craving back now.

The day I flew off the handle at Brian and Liam, and then turned into weeping within seconds it hit me. I waited until the next morning when they boys were in the kitchen fixing breakfast...laid in bed for almost two hours holding it... then poof, two little pink lines. When I was pregnant with Liam, I wasted no time before I started talking to him though he didn't yet have ears to even hear me....this was no different. Our joy spilled over for our new growing family, and we spared no time telling almost EVERYONE!
One week ago today, the morning it all went wrong, we were on the way to my hometown to tell the last bit of my family. We had them all gathered in the same small town with Liam decked out in his "ONLY CHILD, Expiring September 2013" shirt when we found ourselves racing to the ER. All we wanted was to hear "her" (wishful thinking because this pregnancy was COMPLETE opposite of Liam's) little heartbeat for the very first time as we had yet to make it in to the OB office for our first ultrasound.
The minute the nurse turned the ultrasound monitors away from us, shielding their discoveries, I knew we were not going to hear it at all.
A few hours later we walked out of the emergency room into the cold air, and there we stood not sure what to do so we wept. We have wept for days since then....
It has been a week but we are still in shock... still wishing it was all a dream.
I know it's a subject well debated, but in our house we believe that this sweet baby of ours, even if we never heard a heartbeat, is still ours...he or she just went on to be with Jesus all too soon....but even in this, God has a plan. Through our sadness He is still great, and He still has a plan far better than the one we could ever imagine.
 Small as a blueberry our sweet baby #2 left an imprint on us and our hearts the size of a mountain, and a few weeks of joyfulness will be what we hold onto until we are all together again.
I think this may be something hard to imagine to a lot of people, so many different views on it for sure.... Our ER doctor was confident "this too shall pass as you have more children" but I know for me at least there will always be a small hole in the back corner of my heart that I gave our small baby.... after all he or she is the only other human being that has shared my heart and soul from the inside other than Liam. Our sweet nurse who led us out of the ER said it best to me when she told me, "no matter what anyone says, it was a child and it was your child, so you should grieve because you have lost your child weather you met them or not. Don't forget to allow yourself time to grieve, and don't feel guilty if you don't."

So today, one week after, we box up a few weeks worth of joyful memories into a small wooden box, tucked away in our Hope Chest, and tucked deep in our hearts. He has blessed us with peace and comfort this past week like we have never felt, and we trust fully in his plan and his timing for our little family of four.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."
Psalms 34: 18
"BEFORE I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..." Jeremiah 1:5

The Trenches--Naptime Crossroads

Naptime.  It’s the only “me” time I get these days and it’s also the only time I ever really get anything done anymore.  When Liam was little (aka before he learned to walk about) I could easily clean the house, cook, or get some writing in during his awake hours…these days I’m lucky if I can just go to the bathroom alone.  I don’t mind the constant shadow each days, most days I love the fact that he wants to be wherever his mama is, but cleaning with my little shadow is another story! You’ve heard the phrase “Cleaning the house with small children is like trying to brush your teeth while chewing up an Oreo”? Well it’s true…whatever room I go to and begin to tidy up, my shadow is right behind me to drag the toys and such back out again.  When I cook he is right at my feet wanting to be held so he can see above the counter.  Sitting him in his highchair to watch across the kitchen is not an option as he cannot see far enough and demands to be closer due to his vision. (Believe me we have tried!) Now don’t get me wrong, I love love love my little shadow, I’d rather be playing with him than cooking or cleaning any day! So I’m content to only do these things which must eventually be done during his naptime each day. 
I shove things off until the weekends when I’m home alone with Liam and I know he will nap a good hour in the morning and 2 to 2 ½ hours in the afternoon—plenty of time to write, clean, organize my house or help plan a sister’s wedding you’d think right?

So now what happens when my little shadow does not nap?

I’m not sure when exactly it started or who started it for that matter, but we’ve developed a bad habit.  The past two weekends when it is time for our nap, I proceed as usual:

-get blanket

-turn off lights

-get small toy or book

-sit down on the couch with Liam next to me NOT being held

Liam will sit there next to me fiddling with his toy or book until he’s droopy and leaning over into my lap, passed out.  Then I carry him to his crib and turn on his music. We’ve done this each naptime and every night with dada for months now and Liam has always done great, sleeping through the entire night and all. 

Enter the last two weeks.

Each time we lay him down in his crib he startles and wakes no matter how quiet and soft we are, tip toeing around and gently laying him down before we back out of the room.
Begin round one of 30 minutes of screaming, coughing, gagging, etc.

So we go in, pick him up and calm him down either rocking him in his room or sitting him back on the couch with us again.  Some nights we force him to lay back down and cry some more or pat his back until he is asleep or droopy, then we slowly or quickly back out of the room again and wait.

Begin round two of the kicking, screaming fits for another 45 minutes to an hour.

You’d think eventually he’d fall asleep but NOOO! I’ve waited a full hour to an hour and a half yet still he screams.  Full on gagging and choking and all.

The minute you pick him up or sit with him again on the sofa he falls back asleep almost instantly, so we know it’s not because he isn’t tired—he’s exhausted!

I don’t know who’s been holding him during naps or if it’s just a phase for “this age” but it’s down right annoying.  I’d love to sit around each day holding him for 3 hours of napping but then what would that accomplish? Not to mention I’d never get a thing done ever again! My house would look like a tornado passed through it, dishes piled to the ceiling we’d have to eat out every night! I don’t function well in messes and I certainly don’t function on frazzled nerves mixed with lack of sleep—which is definitely where I am after having to listen to him scream and cry for three hours a day!

What age does this fit end?

I envy these moms with three or four kids who have tidy homes and a three course meal on the table every night. How do you do it ladies? Is there a secret training technique that I missed along the way? A secret to multitasking with toddlers?

54 minutes and counting now…..55………56……57…..

I’ll take any answers or suggestions you can share right about now….

The Trenches- Battling a Strong Willed 1yr Old with an Even Stronger Willed Momma

(We are going to call this Part 1 since I have a feeling these “battles” are not going to be few and far between.)

I’m going to try and walk you through our three day weekend trip through *you know where* while never leaving our house, condensing it where I can, but truly it would take all 72 hours to explain it all.  So here’s the cliff-notes version….

Friday Day 1

Pick Liam up at Ita’s and he refuses to go with me. Fights me when I pick him up, runs back inside the door to stay with Ita, and finally after taking a few swings at me to get me to put him down, Ita has to escort him to my car and help calm him as I buckle him in.

Head home and Liam starts to scream in the traffic—I want to scream at traffic too, instead I call my hubby who advises that he will stop, he is probably just tired. He doesn’t stop.  The entire drive home Liam continues to scream until I pull into our driveway. 

Get inside try for a nap (which we clearly need) and no luck.

Liam refuses to eat dinner, settles for animal crackers and then fights tooth and nail to stay awake as Brian and I alternate rocking and sitting with him until 11:00, when, finally, he crashes out from exhaustion.

We head for his room to tuck him in bed, go over all the normal routine—pray over him, turn his music on, night light, then lay him down into his crib where, instantly, his eyes pop open.
The next few minutes are full of frantic crying, terrified screaming, pointing to his closet in the dark until finally Brian and I break down and turn the lights back on trying to find what is wrong.  His passy has landed in front of the closet in the floor, which he is staring down at now.  Then commence the next hour of singing and cooing to try and get him back to sleep again.
After midnight Brian and I finally drag ourselves to bed, beat down with fatigue and too far gone to even remember to turn out the lights through the house and lock all the doors.

(This is when I remember something from my childhood…. My sisters and I would say “dad did you check the locks?” And he would answer, “ what are you afraid someone is going to come kidnap you in the night? Because I already put the sign on the front door that says first hallway second door on the right.”
We used to think he was kidding, just full of it, but now I realize he might have been on to something!)

End of night 1—Victory definitely goes to Liam

Saturday Day 2

Brian leaves for work at 6:30 waking Liam and ruining my chance to get him to sleep in.

We spend the morning half playing and doing some of Liam’s therapy up until lunch time. He takes his morning nap for THREE hours—which he slept on my chest on the sofa and would not let me put him in bed, but at least he is sleeping so that I can read a book. (Insert Momma Win HERE!)

Lunch time.

Liam refuses again his food and begins to repeatedly toss his sippie cup at me because it was filled with whole milk instead of formula. (We recently started switching over from whole milk instead of formula and he is not taking it so well.)

This goes on for more than an hour so I finally give up and take the cup away from him. When he is thirsty he will drink.

After I remove the cup we go back and forth with his fruit cup which he begins to toss in the floor in his lap and at me while I was doing some dishes that were piling up in our sink.

When he wants to eat he will eat.

So I remove him from his highchair and he begins a two hour tantrum throughout the house. Smashing things on our bookshelf, throwing his toys around the room, sitting or laying on the living room floor crying and refusing me when I try to pick him up or coddle him in any way.  I try every method removing the objects, distracting him, replacing the objects with other ones, spatting his small chubby hand…none of this works.

It’s almost the end of the day, time for Brian to be home, when I begin to ignore Liam’s little tantrum and start to unload the dishwasher. I turn to find that Liam is in the mood to help me, only the first object he grabbed out of the dishwasher is a knife. I panic and remove it carefully from his hand and then turn to spat his hand to ensure he knows that this is definitely a NO NO. But at that moment I stop myself, realizing that I am so worn down from the entire day and so tired of listening to his tantrums of screaming and squealing that I may hit his hand too hard with a little pent up anger and frustration behind it, so I resist all together and decide to redirect him once again, knowing he will only be back another day.  

By the time Brian is off work and we make it to our church (we attend Saturday night services when he works in the summer) we leave Liam in the nursery after worship.

We check in on him and of course he is screaming being walked around in the hallway by a nursery aid and looks like he will hyperventilate at any moment.  Church service is spent with me chasing him around the lobby listening through the speakers.

We leave to meet Aunt Lala and soon-to-be Uncle Seth to get some flowers (wedding prep stuff) from Lala’s car. Commence crying non stop through Hastings while we wait to meet Lala and Seth, and through the entire drive home.

Repeat of Friday night bedtime routine and 11:45pm we are finally in bed.

End of Day 2---Liam definitely wins this one. (And in case you’re keeping score, that’s Liam 2, Mommy 1)

Sunday Day 3

Liam wakes again at 6 when Brian leaves for work.

Refuses afternoon nap and eats small amounts of veggies for his mid-morning snack.

Another hour begins of screaming and crying and lying down on the floor dragging his blanket until he finally begins to fall asleep in my lap. This is when Brian suggests that I check his mouth for teeth or blisters….gotcha….one new little tooth has just broke the surface of his puffy gums and he is wailing as I check for more.

Begin dosing with Tylenol.

Finally nap time.

We spend the day back and forth with tantrums and napping until Brian gets home. Luckily, I now know the reason behind his tantrums and whining fits so I refrain from punishing him and instead just try to soothe him. He turns cuddly for a few hours and then goes back to bashing toys and books about the house again. By the end of the day my nerves are fried and I have to walk to get the mail just to have a few moments of peace.

We head to town to meet my friend Rachel and her newborn babe Ewan for dinner—Brian is called to meet me there to pick up Liam and bring him back home to get dinner and into bed so that Rachel and I can catch up. Instead the dads both end up joining us and we all six sit for dinner. Big mistake.

Liam begins climbing up and down from his booster seat (which has no straps to keep him in place) and in and out of the booth. A million macaroni noodles coat the booth’s floor. Finally Brian leaves early to escort him home to his bed where he falls asleep before I join them thirty minutes later.

End of day 3….or so I thought.

As I lay in bed I begin to sob. I cannot handle another day like today, like yesterday, or the day before. I need a mental health day after this. But I look forward to the weekends, my days full of Liam time and yet I just wanted to run far far away.  I find my hubby in the living room doing homework and unload all my frustrations and tears on him. He takes a few minutes to hug me and soothe me with his advice and kind words. Then he begins to pray over me for God to give me peace and grace with our stubborn strong-willed child.

Finally end of day 3, crawling in bed, too tired to even cry anymore.

Liam wins.

After all the weekend was said and done, Monday morning comes and I’m beyond exhausted. A one way ticket to Mexico (or further) was looking pretty good from where I sat 9 hours ago (at 4 am when he woke us up). But looking back on this weekend only gives me determination for the next. It’s a cycle of trial and error (this weekend being the error) and hopefully we will hammer out the path along the way. As I gathered my beaten self for work this morning, I realized I’m not only going to need my hubby praying over me when I FINALLY break down, I’m going to need his shower of prayers daily, along with a lot of grace when we/I screw it up. So we will take it step by step and come up with our own methods…eventually we will find one that works for us and Liam. I develop a new prayer as I drive back to work from visiting Liam at lunch time. (My way of making up for wanting to get away from him over the weekend. Cuddles and French fries at lunch time.)
So my NEW revised prayer.

Dear God-
Help me look forward to “good morning” more than I do “bedtime”

To kiss and hug more than I have to redirect, spat, or wag my finger at him

To let the messy house go more often

To pick my battles wisely

To give him grace when he is sickly, teething, or in new environments

To learn to live on 4-5 hours of sleep when I have to

To be the mom that occasionally spoils him with snow cones and ice cream

To be the mom who doesn’t care who’s watching our meltdown in the grocery store

The mom that knows when to walk away for a breather or call for back up when she needs it

The mom who doesn’t debate bothering her husband with her tears but goes to him before she hits the breaking point

To take a personal health day when needed, and not feel guilty for doing so

To be the mom who does not care who stops by when the house is a mess especially not if they are family

To be the mom who gets in the sprinklers even in her work clothes because he wouldn’t let go of my hand

To be the mom who doesn’t mind the sticky hands and finger prints

And the mom who Liam wants to spend more time with than he does away from.

 Amen
MEMO TO MOM: Tomorrows another day......ps you prayed for strong willed children!